Hmm.

Well, after some communication... I think my future is looking a little more put together... I have decided fairly surely what I am doing in January... and it will be the same thing I am doing after I get my CNA... working. Working, saving money, working, spending money when I need to, working, saving money, working, having fun and socializing, working, missing Eric, working, talking to him on the phone... :) Getting the picture? I will find some good scholarly books to read as well- maybe some things I can learn from, without them being too dry and boring... And definitely some more Terry Pratchett.
A big weight has fallen from me, having learned that my parents are not going to be disappointed with me if I don't go back to school in January... The choice to stay out of school for now has been in my mind for awhile... and while I do want more education eventually, January is not really the right timing for it. So I will work. And I will wait... though probably impatiently... for what comes next... I do know what I hope is coming next... though I shall try not to plan for it until I know for certain... :)

Things are looking up...
~Danette

Connect the dots...

I have too many possibilities right now- like I'm standing at a crossroads of fifteen different roads, and all of them have something good about them, and something bad either visible to me or lurking in the shadows... and in one way I want to say "none of them are good- I want to fly away instead"... and at the same time, I do know which of the roads is most appealing to me- but it is also the one that trusted people tell me is fraught with danger... and so I wait- trying to find a suitable path for me right now- the one that God wants. I wish I could just make what I want automatically mold to be what God wants- or rather I wish I could make what God wants be what I want, and be able to choose selfishly... but I can't. And I wouldn't really exactly want to... I'm confused. Now would be a really good time for God to float me down a heavenly post-it note telling me what his plan for me is- or just the little immediate part of it- if I knew what He wanted me to do just this year... just after I finish my CNA.. where he wanted me to work, and for how long... I could deal with it. But it won't happen. And yet I still need to know what's going on.. what I can do about it all...
I am sure that at one level, this entire experience is meant to teach me to trust God more- because it is so easy for me to take my plans, call them MINE, and run with them, rather than letting Him choose my path... and then I am confused because I do know that as one pastor said recently in a message I heard- "God doesn't care WHAT you do nearly as much as HOW you do it, and how you live"... Whether you're a plumber or an executive or a missionary- your goal is the same- to glorify God in everything you do- and responsibilities remain the same- fulfill the great commission, be a witness, show God's love, etc...
I have this dream in my head of what I would love to have happen to me- where I'd like to be in 5 or 10 years... it would be me married to Eric, perhaps having the beginnings of a family, (a child or two) him working with his theatre ministry, (which would be flourishing,) and whatever else he had to do for work,... me probably working part time at a nursing home or hospital or somewhere with my CNA (like on some weekends or a few nights per week,)... or with massage therapy or pharmacy technician (or something else that God brings to me to learn).... (part time, however that would work)... and homeschooling whatever children I have... I can imagine it- that if I was working on one day, children would be with Eric and his theatre stuff- learning things from him, and getting quite an education... and then other days I'd be home teaching them their math and reading and science and history and everything else.... and helping Eric however I am able, being involved with his ministry and everything else.... and this would most likely come to take place in the northwest- OR or WA, and then there'd also be the closeness to Amy, and just... good. That's how it kind of plays out in my head, anyway... :)

My problem is it feels like a connect-the-dots with two dots and a massive blank space in the middle- like the picture is supposed to be something particular, but somebody went and erased all the dots between the beginning and the end- and while I can see where I want to end up, I have no idea how I am supposed to get there, what paths will be in the middle or how things will be shaped or what they will look like.

Crumbling...

What are you supposed to do when the path starts to crumble in front of you? When the bridge that you were going to cross over collapses? Today I found out that the massage therapy program that I wanted to get into this January is full with a waiting list... and so I won't be doing that... so now I am unsure of what's supposed to happen. I thought everything was falling together so well... I was getting (still am) my CNA... I actually worked with a CNA my first night of clinicals who was a massage therapist at the hospital as well... that was really neat!.... and now, the crash-and-burn aspect. Maybe why I am trying so hard not to plan big things, is that it really hurts when they smash... and it's confusing when I don't know what I am supposed to do next. I'm not at UWEC anymore... so it's not like I'm in the middle of a program, and think "OK.. I just do this next year, and the next...etc....." and be done that way. I was taking a short program that would be done in early August. And now what? I don't know!
I just feel like I wish I could have Eric here to give me a hug and make everything better... even if he just hugged me and let me cry on his shoulder... I miss him. And this makes me miss him more... and confuses what is going on in my life... when will I be done with school? What will I do?
It's also difficult to be having all of this happen when to top it off I feel quite isolated right now. It may not be true reality- but it's the reality that I feel and see and experience... that right now I don't fit in. At all. I don't know why this is- because I fit in all right last year... didn't I? Or was it just that I hadn't yet experienced fitting in at all... and now, coming from a place that I fit, and then going to another place that I fit, and meeting a person that I fit with... and now being here, where I feel like a round peg in a square hole- I am in a space that is big enough for me- but there are gaps, and it doesn't fit right... it goes through the hole and I survive... but not comfortably, not happily, not easily...
I wish I could take a photograph of my heart and post it for all of the Christians in my life to see- to let them know what I need, how I am feeling and what's going on for me... because it's too difficult to share it with so many people- I don't believe there are any people at my church right now that I really would be willing to be accountable to... just because it's weird... and somehow I don't want to be quite that close to them... I think. I want someone to come into my life like I came to a friend's.... where I would feel comfortable sharing anything at all- anything I was dealing with, anything I was struggling with or doing wrong/right.... anything. But that takes a certain relationship with that person... it takes trusting them fully not to reveal what you tell them to people that don't need to know... and trusting that they're not going to start treating you differently just because you share something you're struggling with... and someone who you can know will be praying for you every day- whether you've talked to them that day or not. And I guess, at some level... I don't have that type of person in my life, anywhere close to home. There's a wonderful lady in TX that has managed to be some of this for me- but she's not here. Eric would be a LOT, if not almost all of this for me... but he hasn't married me yet- and so there are certain things I don't feel like I need to tell him.
I am so drained lately- of energy, both emotional and some physical- I'm tired of dealing with the frustration of not fitting in, of having plans cave in, of having to figure out new things to do, and to try to understand what kind of timing will work for things... I want to be done... and I can't be. I want to just hide away and not have to come out for about a week and a half- and just spend that time the way I need (and want) to- reading my bible, thinking, praying, probably reading a book or two, and recharging... (and of course, I'd probably be talking to Eric and Peg and perhaps Robin too, some) and yet, I can't really do that.... but I am just tired. Tired of waiting for school to be all over, and for time to pass so new things can happen, and waiting until I can see Eric again, and waiting for everything else that I am waiting for....

"Let patience have its perfect work"...... grr. That pops into my head- I do need to be patient... but.. but.... it's so difficult!

Rememberings...

Yesterday I opened up my Gmail account to a very specific collection of messages. They were all of the ones I've ever received from Eric. (Yes, Eric.. I have them all... I hope that doesn't scare you...) I went back to the beginning of the file... and started reading. It was so neat to look at how I have grown, and how so much has changed since the early days of knowing Eric.. to now. Yes, I met him in person in June... and it hasn't been all that long chronologically since then... but let's see... the first contact I had with him was January 31st... :-) And since then, it has been awhile.
Reading what Eric wrote to me, and what I wrote to him... I saw that we really did manage to maintain a friendship-only relationship throughout the time before June 12th.. the day I arrived at camp... Then a week into camp, came the question... "Where are we going with this? What do you want out of this right now?"... and my answer, "I am waiting to be pursued..." and thus the pursuing of Danette began.. :-) Through the summer I came to know Eric closer and better... and began to love him. I thought hard about everything that was happening to me... was I infatuated, or was I being foolish? Or was it just reality that I had found my prince? I wrote a blog post about my confusion, quite awhile back.. I believe it's titled "Love..."
Farther and farther into the summer... I discovered that I had indeed, found my prince. He was willing to protect and encourage me... and he did so on several occasions. He was and is a complete gentleman, and I felt like a princess around him. I was able to be utterly comfortable around him, and felt like if it were prudent, I could be comfortable with telling him anything... (though I refrain somewhat because he is not YET able to be my closest confidant and friend... because there's a certain ceremony that has to precede that.)
So much has happened in my life this year- from the venturing off to college last fall, to dealing with living with my grandmother, to living in the dorms, and having a biblestudy with girls my age, to really having a social life for the first time, to being on my own, being independent for a semester... to meeting Eric, and working at camp, and all that went along with it- good and bad- and growing to love him so much it hurts- as I wait impatiently for the time when I get to see him again- sometimes I miss him so much I want to cry (and occasionally shed a few tears)... and when I talk to him, I often wish I could reach through the phone line and give him a hug... (or maybe have WonkaVision, and be transported through the television...though perhaps at much less of a size reduction)
This year I was the vice president of an organization, I organized buying our pro-life t-shirts and gave the idea of bracelets to Carla... I shared my burdens when family was going through difficult situations and circumstances, and prayed with the many Christian friends I had.
It was amazing how many Christians there are at UWEC... I sorely wish I could be back there... but at the same time I know God has another plan for me... and UWEC isn't part of it. It was a part- a very important part.. but now it's over... and this next part seems to be one in which I learn how to survive the dry time when I don't have the same level of fellowship, the same environment... and perhaps a time of me dealing with my pride and hurt stemming from us leaving Calvary in Barron- with the no-contact from members, and the rejection I felt when none of the kids seemed to be friendly when I saw them... though to begin with, I always felt like I was on the outside... never the inside. At school, I got the greatest blessing when I had people tell me "don't be cautious about sitting with us at dinner- if we're here, you're welcome." I had been eating by myself for quite awhile- all because I was too concerned about intruding on the others... It meant so much to me to have people invite me to do things with them- and it made me feel wanted and included... that's one thing that seems kind of missing here back at home- Kimmy invited me to go with her on her errands to Rice Lake today. That was nice... but not the same.... and she's only one person.

a watched pot never what??

Why is it that whenever we are paying attention to something, or we are trying to wait for something, or count something... it always seems to take longer, than when we're enjoying something, or wishing it would last longer?
The microwave, for example. You can set it for 3 minutes.... and the seconds seem to last forever. A pot of water that's supposed to boil... it takes forever if you're waiting for it.
Class takes forever if you are waiting for it to be over, and waiting in line at the DMV... yeah.. that actually DOES take forever... but... the other stuff doesn't!
Contrasting, whenever you're enjoying a moment so much you want it to keep going forever... it only lasts a moment. The summer that I would have liked to have last indefinitely, was over right on schedule... and my time to spend with people I love seems to evaporate whenever I desire it.
I suppose this should make me think about the fact that if I stop paying attention to the waiting, it will go faster, and I should start paying more attention to the people I love that are here, and have more time with them...
but.... even though I see that as true... and that I need to DO something with the time I have... that doesn't make it easy. It doesn't make it easy to put out of my mind what I WANT to focus on... and to think about other things, other things I can do...


But I will be trying.



~Danette