Crumbling...

What are you supposed to do when the path starts to crumble in front of you? When the bridge that you were going to cross over collapses? Today I found out that the massage therapy program that I wanted to get into this January is full with a waiting list... and so I won't be doing that... so now I am unsure of what's supposed to happen. I thought everything was falling together so well... I was getting (still am) my CNA... I actually worked with a CNA my first night of clinicals who was a massage therapist at the hospital as well... that was really neat!.... and now, the crash-and-burn aspect. Maybe why I am trying so hard not to plan big things, is that it really hurts when they smash... and it's confusing when I don't know what I am supposed to do next. I'm not at UWEC anymore... so it's not like I'm in the middle of a program, and think "OK.. I just do this next year, and the next...etc....." and be done that way. I was taking a short program that would be done in early August. And now what? I don't know!
I just feel like I wish I could have Eric here to give me a hug and make everything better... even if he just hugged me and let me cry on his shoulder... I miss him. And this makes me miss him more... and confuses what is going on in my life... when will I be done with school? What will I do?
It's also difficult to be having all of this happen when to top it off I feel quite isolated right now. It may not be true reality- but it's the reality that I feel and see and experience... that right now I don't fit in. At all. I don't know why this is- because I fit in all right last year... didn't I? Or was it just that I hadn't yet experienced fitting in at all... and now, coming from a place that I fit, and then going to another place that I fit, and meeting a person that I fit with... and now being here, where I feel like a round peg in a square hole- I am in a space that is big enough for me- but there are gaps, and it doesn't fit right... it goes through the hole and I survive... but not comfortably, not happily, not easily...
I wish I could take a photograph of my heart and post it for all of the Christians in my life to see- to let them know what I need, how I am feeling and what's going on for me... because it's too difficult to share it with so many people- I don't believe there are any people at my church right now that I really would be willing to be accountable to... just because it's weird... and somehow I don't want to be quite that close to them... I think. I want someone to come into my life like I came to a friend's.... where I would feel comfortable sharing anything at all- anything I was dealing with, anything I was struggling with or doing wrong/right.... anything. But that takes a certain relationship with that person... it takes trusting them fully not to reveal what you tell them to people that don't need to know... and trusting that they're not going to start treating you differently just because you share something you're struggling with... and someone who you can know will be praying for you every day- whether you've talked to them that day or not. And I guess, at some level... I don't have that type of person in my life, anywhere close to home. There's a wonderful lady in TX that has managed to be some of this for me- but she's not here. Eric would be a LOT, if not almost all of this for me... but he hasn't married me yet- and so there are certain things I don't feel like I need to tell him.
I am so drained lately- of energy, both emotional and some physical- I'm tired of dealing with the frustration of not fitting in, of having plans cave in, of having to figure out new things to do, and to try to understand what kind of timing will work for things... I want to be done... and I can't be. I want to just hide away and not have to come out for about a week and a half- and just spend that time the way I need (and want) to- reading my bible, thinking, praying, probably reading a book or two, and recharging... (and of course, I'd probably be talking to Eric and Peg and perhaps Robin too, some) and yet, I can't really do that.... but I am just tired. Tired of waiting for school to be all over, and for time to pass so new things can happen, and waiting until I can see Eric again, and waiting for everything else that I am waiting for....

"Let patience have its perfect work"...... grr. That pops into my head- I do need to be patient... but.. but.... it's so difficult!