Icy Shock....

As I've already shared, I got a job at Riverside Manor nursing home in Barron, WI... Well... today everything changed... and I don't like it.
I got called in today early, to get my check, and to talk about something with the Director of Nursing... I had just managed to change shifts from evening to day... and I figured it would be something like that to talk about... I was wrong.
Judy started the conversation... "Things aren't going right here... have you seen that?"... and proceeded to tell me that I'm too slow... I haven't picked up on things as fast as I needed to, and it wasn't working to have me working there.... and she wanted to transfer me to their sister facility in Dallas... (WI, about 3 miles closer to my house)
Coursing through my head were the words "not good enough!"... "I'm not good enough! I'm not a good enough CNA!"... and other thoughts of "I just got my schedule! Now what!"... and she told me she was taking me off the schedule, and had called the DON at Dallas... and that she had a job for me... PM shift, part time... Now though, I'm not sure if I want to take that job, or not. I've been struggling with my work at Riverside... I felt like I wasn't doing a very good job... until yesterday. Yesterday I thought, I actually finished my own list of resident cares, and I got things done on my own!... I thought.. hey- I'm doing good tonight!... but today when I was talking to Judy, I found out that I was wrong. Last night some of the others were doing people on my list without telling me, and when I thought I'd gotten everything done, it was because others were helping me with parts of it. Grr. I feel like I'm totally lost, and don't know which way is up today... Which thing I should do... take the job in Dallas, or give up on CNA work, since it isn't the BEST thing in the world to me... and work at a coffee shop, or at a store, or something... or, what is so much more appealing, and equally more impossible... I'd love to just up and move to TX, to Alpine, live with Robin there, and get a job around that area... or... find a school with massage therapy open... NOW.... and/or pharmacy technician....
Why is it that those things that are so appealing are so difficult? I know I CAN"T just up and move to Alpine right now- first of all, I don't have the money to do so, and it would be really hard. Second, I don't know if I want to do that right now with no skills any further advanced than a CNA, because I'd like to work as a pharmacy tech at least... or massage therapist... or something... though Robin's working in housekeeping, and she's doing well... and she says there's a shortage of housekeeping people in Alpine... shortage of reliable people... But it wouldn't be smart right now... I'm sure of that.... but then... I don't know what WOULD be smart, either.... or if what would be SMART makes the difference in what is worthwhile to do... and so... I'm in this fight with myself and me, and my selfishness and my brain, and my mind, and my heart, and... ugh.

God- will you tell me what you really want me to do, yet?
I felt like driving and driving tonight... I did drive around Rice Lake a couple of times... but if it wasn't for the fact that my logical brain said "that makes no sense... what would you do then??"... I would have loved to just drive... just keep going down the freeway past Barron, past Eau Claire... past WI, and Illinois and Iowa... and all the way to Texas... because I feel kind of... lonely, and I really wanted a hug.... from a certain someone who isn't here.