Update...

In case you haven't all figured out what has been happening in my life from my fractured posts here... Here's an update:

1. A week ago last Friday, the Director of nursing at Riverside Manor, where I was working, called me in early to tell me that I wasn't picking up on things fast enough- and I wasn't up to speed like they needed me to be. This is after two and a half weeks of learning... all brand new stuff. She said that it took her at least three months to know what she was doing fully when she was a CNA... and that she was sad that they didn't have anyone there that would be willing to train me more, but that there was no way she could offer me more training time at Riverside- she said "I'd like to transfer you to our sister facility in Dallas, if you'd agree to it"... because as she said, Dallas had fewer residents, just as many or MORE staff, and a somewhat slower pace. "You'll have more time to learn things there" she said. "We share staff all the time; everyone I send over there usually does great!...." and "If I didn't think you'd make a great CNA, I wouldn't bother trying to transfer you."
At the time, I cried. I had tears rolling down my face in the DON's office, as I tried not to actually sob. Once I got out to my car, it was a different story. The tears burst out, and I sobbed long and hard. I sat there in my car for a few moments, crying, with the words "I'm not good enough... I'm not fast enough" pulsing through my head. Then I called my mom. She had been planning to come meet me at work to get my check from me (it was my first payday) and take it to the bank, since my bank was in Rice Lake, and she was going there anyway to shop.
"...Don't..bother getting my check...from ...me" I sobbed.
"Why?" she asked me. "What happened?" Fighting back sobs, I told her everything. After a couple of minutes, she asked me where I was headed.
"Home." I replied, rather simply. "She took me off the work schedule... so I don't work tomorrow, or the next day, or after that...."
"Are you ok, then? I'll see you in a few minutes when you get home."
After saying goodbye to her, I still felt awful about what had happened, so I called Eric. :D (yes, I actually DID call my mother first.) I think he felt a little bit powerless there- as I tell him of my problems, and cry.. and he's kind of without much to say... "um.. I'm sorry? I wish I could help?... you could... come down here and find a job?" :) Yeah. But overall, when I finished talking to him, (which was actually past the time when I got home, and talked/sat for awhile on the phone with him.) I felt a bit better.
The reality was still in my head that essentially I didn't have much of a job. The Dallas nursing home was going to call me by the weekend, Judy the DON said. For the next few days, whenever someone mentioned something about my work, or about being slow, I almost started crying. I'd just about decided that I was going to seek other employment and forget about the Dallas nursing home, when I got a call from Wendy, their Director of Nursing there. She wanted to know if I was still interested in working there. She said she only had a few hours available- currently, a PM (2-10pm) shift every other weekend. (Saturday and Sunday, twice a month or so) While I halfway wanted to say "no.. I don't want to be a CNA anymore" I took it. Sunday afternoon, I began. It didn't take me long to see the difference there, from Riverside. It really WAS slower paced, and the other CNAs were pretty friendly. In my pride, when I was first looking for places to apply, I rejected the possibility of working at Dallas, because I didn't want to work with a girl from my church who worked there. This girl never hardly talked to me, and I gave up long ago on making conversation with her because she was so quiet it was like pulling nails to get conversation. Also in my pride, I didn't want to work with someone I knew, who was YOUNGER than me, and who'd been a CNA for a longer time. In essence, I didn't want to be worse at something that people I knew who were younger than me. It was stupid. And what do you know? God stuck me there now, anyway. And I found this girl saying more to me than EVER... (you might guess who it is, if I say she recently married, and that my mom and sisters said "wow" when I told them that "She uttered whole PARAGRAPHS to me!"
And I like it there. And everyone works together, and says "well, you have to have time to learn!... If you were here for six months and still messed everything up, then we'd have to say there's a problem. But you need time to learn!" And it's nice.
As I wrote to my friend Meghan...

Work was GOOD. As frustrated and upset as I was that the DON wanted to transfer me... Dallas is better. First, there are more staff assigned to work for the number of residents that we have to take care of, than Barron had... there, I think there was a ratio of 1:13, and here it's 1:8... at least, it was when the last survey was taken. But anyway- there's something like 33 or 34 residents at Dallas, with 5 or 6 CNAs... and at Barron there were 47 residents with 4-5 CNAs at a time. So.. yeah. More staff, fewer residents- makes things able to have a tad bit slower pace. Also, the people I've worked with so far seem to all really love working here in Dallas, and for some reason they all have a fairly negative opinion of Barron... it supposedly being harder or more unpleasant than in Dallas.
As much as it hurt to be told I wasn't "good enough" I think that it was good that it happened, now. Because I think I'm in a better place now than before, and I'll be able to do my best a lot easier, without the crazy rush mindset that everyone seemed to have in Barron. And so far, the people I'm working with are nice, and friendly- rather than being kind of "clique-ish" like they were in Barron... ( i.e. all hanging about/talking with each other and sort of ignoring me, etc.) here they seem genuinely friendly.
Unfortunately, Wendy, the Director of Nursing here, didn't have very many hours to give me- I am only getting scheduled for every other weekend so far... Which means I'll have about 16 hours/pay period... Not THAT bad... but at $9/hr, that comes out to about $240/month or so. Not that great, either. So I'm hoping that I can get some more hours after the end of the month... Like after Jan. 11 when Eric leaves from visiting me :D

I need to find out what my schedule will be though, for holidays... I think every CNA is supposed to work every other holiday... and so I want to find out if that means I'd be working Christmas, or on new years day... and I'm not quite sure which I'd rather do... Christmas my sister works too, so I suppose we could just pretend Christmas was the 26th instead of the 25th, so that our work schedules would work... but if I work Jan. 1st, that will be my mom's birthday... But that's not new year's eve... and I know I don't work THAT day.. so I guess it wouldn't make much difference...
Anyway- Things are looking up for me... and yay.

:) Yeah.

So no, my life is not exactly as I'd like it to be... but going along with my last post,

'Jesus is Lord and I am saved
so, say "Hey, it's a good day!"'

I'm learning little bits every day about this lesson. About things that don't go like *I* want them to, and how I should respond to them. And every day, messing one or more of those responses up, and having to start again. :) But that's life. Living growing, falling, climbing, and more growing. :)